Parenting can be tough work. There is no manual that comes with becoming a parent, and there are so many different perspectives on how to raise confident, secure children. Here we breakdown some simple guidance to help with your thinking about how to parent your children – so that you feel informed, empowered, and able to integrate these ideas into whatever else matters to you and your family. Because we are all different, but there are some universal principles that can promote the wellbeing of our children (and us).
Impact of Parental Emotional Availability
Children rely on caring and responsive caregivers to develop into emotionally resilient adults. How parents handle their children’s emotional responses during challenging times significantly shapes their emotional literacy and attachment security—a critical factor influencing how individuals navigate relationships and challenges later in life.
When parents are emotionally unavailable to help children process complex emotions, it can result in insecure attachment styles. These insecure attachments may lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships and achieving autonomy in adolescence and adulthood. These attachment patterns often persist into adulthood and can influence one’s own parenting style.
Different Parenting Styles
Parenting styles, broadly categorised into authoritative, permissive/uninvolved, and authoritarian, significantly shape children’s development and attachment security.
a) Authoritative Parenting
Characterised by emotional support combined with firm and clear boundaries, authoritative parents strive to balance nurturing with guidance. They encourage independence, maintain open communication, and use discipline as a means of teaching rather than punishment.
b) Permissive/Uninvolved Parenting
Permissive or uninvolved parents are generally lenient and provide few guidelines or expectations. They may be emotionally distant or disengaged, offering little emotional support or guidance. This style can result in children lacking self-discipline and struggling with boundaries and decision-making.
c) Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents emphasise strict obedience and control. They prioritise rules and discipline over nurturing and may not explain the reasoning behind their expectations. This approach can lead to children who are compliant but may struggle with autonomy and self-expression.
Characteristics of Authoritative Parenting – the best approach for raising secure, resilient children
Emotional Support with Firm Boundaries: Authoritative parents provide emotional support while maintaining clear and consistent boundaries. They validate their children’s emotions and guide them through challenges, fostering a sense of security and trust.
Open Communication: Communication is open and two-way in authoritative households. Children are encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings, knowing their voices are heard and respected.
Encouragement of Independence: These parents promote independence by allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions within established boundaries. This approach helps children develop confidence and responsibility.
Consistent Discipline: Discipline in authoritative parenting is not punitive but instructional. Parents explain the reasons behind rules and consequences, teaching children valuable lessons in accountability and self-control.
Practicing Authoritative Parenting: Concrete Examples
Example 1: Handling Emotional Upsets
When a child experiences a setback or disappointment, an authoritative parent would first acknowledge the child’s feelings (“I see you’re feeling upset about not winning the game”). They would then provide comfort and support (“It’s okay to feel disappointed. Let’s talk about what happened.”). Finally, they would encourage problem-solving and resilience (“What can we learn from this? How can we try again next time?”).
Example 2: Setting Limits
Suppose a child wants to stay up late on a school night. An authoritative parent would explain the importance of sleep for health and academic performance. They would involve the child in setting a bedtime that aligns with these needs, perhaps allowing some flexibility on weekends while maintaining consistency during the week.
Breaking the Cycle
To practice authoritative parenting effectively, it’s essential for parents to address their own unresolved emotional and attachment issues from the past. Recognising and working through these issues can prevent the perpetuation of emotional wounds across generations, fostering healthier relationships and parenting practices.
By adopting an authoritative parenting style, caregivers can create a nurturing environment where children feel valued, understood, and supported—a crucial foundation for their emotional well-being and future success.
Where can I go to for parenting support, family therapy, or support for my child from a psychologist?
At Sydney City Psychology, we offer online and in-person therapy, including parenting sessions, family therapy, sessions with children, and assessment and support of neurodiversity and child behaviour and wellbeing. Contact us today to begin – honest support, so you can live well.
