Our ability to self-reflect in an accurate and helpful way is known as our “observing ego capacity”. We form this ability to self-reflect very early in life – in those crucial childhood and adolescent years – and this gives rise to how strong our self-reflection ability is as an adult. So it’s really important that parents know about the development of the observing ego (simply put: the influence parents can have on a child’s ability to self-reflect for the rest of their lives).
A child’s observing ego capacity (or ability to self-reflect) is their ability to notice and reflect on their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors – like having an inner mirror to understand themselves and what is happening for them on the inside. A strong observing ego helps children manage feelings, make thoughtful choices, and feel secure in understanding themselves. Below are practical tips and exercises for parents to foster this skill, tailored to support emotional growth and self-awareness from early childhood through to adolescence.
General Tips for Parents to Encourage Self-reflection
Model Emotional Awareness
Show your child how to reflect on emotions by naming and discussing your own feelings in a healthy way. This teaches them that emotions are normal and can be understood.
Example: Say, “I’m feeling frustrated because I had a tough day at work. I’m going to take a few deep breaths to calm down.”
Why It Works: Children learn by imitation, and seeing you reflect builds their ability to do the same.
Provide Emotional Mirroring
Reflect your child’s emotions back to them by naming what they’re feeling and validating it. This helps them recognize and process their inner world.
Example: If your child is crying, say, “It looks like you’re really sad because your toy broke. It’s okay to feel upset.”
Why It Works: Mirroring builds mentalisation, the foundation of observing ego capacity, by giving children language for their emotions.
Create a Safe Space for Emotional Expression (safely)
Encourage your child to express all feelings—joy, anger, fear—without fear of being shut down, judgment or punishment. A secure environment fosters self-reflection.
Example: If your child yells in anger, say, “I see you’re feeling angry about this. Let’s talk about what’s going on when you’re ready.”
Why It Works: Emotional safety allows children to explore their inner states without shutting down, strengthening their reflective capacity.
Note: Physical safety also matters. Emotional expression needs to be balanced with physical safety, and limits on aggressive behaviour that hurt people (including themselves), break things, or cross a moral boundary in your family. You can do this by saying “I won’t let you hit your brother, but you can tell me about feeling angry toward him and wanting to lash out. We just cannot do it in real life because it will hurt another person, and we cannot hurt another person’s body in this family”. Or “it’s ok to feel sad about losing your toy, and to tell me about it, but I won’t let you steal your brother’s toy. We can have a hug and you can tell me about your feelings, but we don’t steal in this family”.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Prompt reflection by asking questions that encourage your child to think about their feelings and actions, rather than giving quick solutions.
Example: Instead of “Why are you upset?” ask, “What do you think you’re feeling right now? What happened to make you feel that way?”
Why It Works: Open-ended questions stimulate self-awareness and help children connect emotions to experiences. Keep the language adjusted to the age of your child, and remember that simple language is best when a child is mid-emotion.
Be Responsive and Patient When Your Child is Expressing a Feeling
You can be a secure attachment figure to your child by being a consistent, responsive caregiver to build trust, which allows your child to explore their emotions safely. Respond to their needs with warmth, patience and reliability. Your warmth shows that you understand and love them, no matter what, even when you might be pointing out a boundary.
Example: Comfort your child during a tantrum, showing them you’re there even when they’re upset, then talk about the feelings later.
Why It Works: Secure attachment provides a “secure base” for emotional exploration, essential for developing an observing ego.
Encourage Pause and Reflect Moments
Teach your child to pause before reacting, creating space to notice their emotions and thoughts. This builds the habit of self-reflection and reduces impulsive responses.
Example: If your child is about to hit a sibling, say, “Let’s stop for a second. What are you feeling right now? What does the feeling want you to do? How can you wait a little longer for the feeling to settle before you decide whether to do that thing? Or try something like, Let’s give the feeling some space for a second and wiggle each of our fingers and toes one time before you decide to do anything else. We can even do it together if you like.
Why It Works: Pausing helps children separate impulses from actions, strengthening their ability to observe their inner state, and to build up a sense of choice over their impulses. Purposefully waiting a bit longer to let the feeling ‘breathe’ before we take action can help a child consider their options, and the consequences, more clearly.
Normalise Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Frame mistakes as chances to reflect and grow, not as failures. This encourages your child to think about their actions without shame.
Example: If your child spills juice, say, “Oops, accidents happen! What can we do next time to hold the cup steady?”
Why It Works: A non-judgmental approach to mistakes fosters reflective thinking and resilience.
Practical exercises by age & developmental stage
For Young Children (ages 3–6)
Young children are developing basic emotional awareness and need simple, concrete activities to build observing ego capacity.
Feelings Chart Game
- What: Create a chart with faces showing emotions (happy, sad, angry, scared) and words to match. You could do this together with your child, or you can buy these sorts of charts (and pillows!) online if you’re short on time!
- How: After a strong emotion, ask your child to point to the face that matches how they feel and talk about what happened. For example, “You picked the angry face. What made you feel angry?”
- Goal: Helps children name and reflect on emotions, building early self-awareness.
- Frequency: Use daily or after emotional moments, 5–10 minutes.
Storytime Reflection
- What: Read a story with emotional themes (e.g., The Gruffalo or Where the Wild Things Are) and discuss the characters’ feelings with your child.
- How: Ask, “How do you think the character felt when that happened? Have you ever felt like that?” Connect it to their own experiences, like, “Did you feel scared like Max when you heard a loud noise?”
- Goal: Encourages children to think about emotions in a safe, fictional context, fostering reflection. Also helps children understand that they are not alone in their feelings, and that we all have feelings that can be remarkably similar! There is a comfort in knowing this for children, and emotions can seem less scary and more like things we can share with another person.
- Frequency: During bedtime stories, 10–15 minutes, 2–3 times a week.
Body Feelings Check-In
- What: Teach your child to notice physical sensations tied to emotions.
- How: During a calm moment, ask, “Where do you feel that happy feeling in your body? Is it in your tummy or your smile?” For upset moments, say, “Does your mad feeling make your hands tight?” Follow with, “What do you think that feeling is telling you?”
- Goal: Links physical sensations to emotions, helping children observe their inner state and notice that emotions live in our bodies, not just our thinking mind.
For School-Age Children (Ages 7–11)
School-age children can handle more complex reflection and benefit from activities that connect emotions to actions.
Emotion Journal
- What: Provide a notebook for your child to write or draw about their day’s emotions.
- How: At bedtime, ask, “What was one feeling you had today? Can you write or draw what happened and why you felt that way?” For example, “I felt excited because I scored a goal.” Discuss it briefly to reinforce reflection.
- Goal: Encourages self-reflection and helps children process emotions through creative expression.
What’s the Why? Game
- What : A game to explore the reasons behind feelings and actions.
- How: After an event (e.g., a fight with a friend), ask, “What were you feeling when that happened? Why do you think you felt that way? What did you do next?” For example, “I was mad because my friend took my toy, so I yelled.” Follow with, “What might you do differently next time?”
- Goal: Builds the habit of connecting emotions, triggers, and behaviours, strengthening the observing ego.
Pause and Reflect Practice
- What It Is: Teach your child to pause before acting on strong emotions.
- How to Do It: Create a signal (e.g., saying “Pause!” or a hand gesture) when you notice your child getting upset. Ask, “What’s going on inside right now? What do you want to do, and why?” Practice during calm moments too, like, “If you were super excited, what would you notice in your body?”
- Goal: Encourages children to slow down and observe their inner state before reacting.
For Adolescents (Ages 12–16)
Adolescents are developing deeper self-awareness and can engage in more abstract reflection, but need support to navigate complex emotions.
Reflective Conversation Prompts
- What: Regular check-ins to discuss emotions and experiences.
- How: During a quiet moment (e.g., dinner or a car ride), ask open-ended questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately? How did that situation at school make you feel, and why do you think that is?” Listen without judgment and reflect back, e.g., “It sounds like you felt left out when your friends didn’t invite you. And that’s tough because you’re feeling angry at them for being left out, but you also care about them because they are your friends and you like spending time with them.”
- Goal: Encourages teens to articulate and reflect on complex emotions, including a focus on feeling more than one emotion in a situation (like the example above), and building self-awareness.
Mindfulness for Teens
- What: A simple mindfulness exercise to notice thoughts and feelings.
- How: Guide your teen through a 5-minute exercise: “Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and notice what thoughts or feelings come up. Don’t judge them, just name them, like ‘I’m feeling stressed’ or ‘I’m thinking about school.’” Discuss afterward, asking, “What did you notice? What might that tell you?”
- Goal: Teaches teens to observe their inner world without getting caught up in judging themselves or being overwhelmed about what to do, strengthening the observing ego.
Role-Play Reflection
- What: Act out scenarios to explore emotions and choices.
- How: Pick a recent situation (e.g., an argument with a sibling) and role-play it, switching roles to see different perspectives. So your child would act out the situation from the point of view of the sibling, too, perhaps with you playing the role of them. Afterward, ask, “What did you feel during that moment? What do you think the other person felt? Why did you choose to act that way?” Connect it to future choices, e.g., “What could you do differently next time?”
- Goal: Enhances perspective-taking and reflection on emotions and behaviours.
Why does this self-reflection stuff even matter?
A strong observing ego empowers adults to navigate life’s complexities with clarity and resilience, acting like an internal compass that fosters self-awareness and emotional balance. By reflecting on their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours, individuals can understand their triggers, make thoughtful decisions, and maintain stable relationships, even under stress. For example, someone with a strong observing ego might recognise anger during a conflict, pause to consider its source, and choose a constructive response, preserving their sense of self and connection with others. Conversely, a weak observing ego manifests in adulthood as emotional confusion, impulsivity, or detachment, where individuals struggle to identify or process their feelings, leading to reactive behaviours or a fragmented sense of self. This can result in repeated conflicts, difficulty learning from mistakes, or feeling “lost” in emotional chaos, as seen in conditions like borderline personality disorder, underscoring the critical role of self-reflection in mental health and personal growth.
Additional Notes
Adapt to Your Child’s Needs: Tailor exercises to your child’s personality and developmental level. Quieter or creative children may prefer drawing or writing, while verbal kids might enjoy talking or role-playing exercises
Be Patient: Building observing ego capacity takes time. Celebrate small steps, like when your child names a feeling or pauses to think. These are powerful moments and worth reflecting back “I saw how you stopped to notice what you were feeling inside – that’s wonderful!”
Seek Support if Needed: If your child struggles significantly with self-awareness (e.g., frequent emotional outbursts or detachment), consider consulting a psychologist, such as those at Sydney City Psychology, for tailored strategies or therapy like ISTDP.
Connect to Attachment: A warm, responsive parenting style is the foundation for these skills. Consistently show your child they’re safe to feel and explore their emotions, reinforcing a secure attachment. It’s ok and important to set behavioural boundaries (e.g., we don’t kick people in this house), but you can still acknowledge and make room for feelings while being firm on boundaries.
By practicing these tips and exercises, you can help your child develop a strong observing ego, equipping them with the self-awareness to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and resilience.
